This week’s offering from Dispatches from New Motherhood is ANXIOUS, OVERWHELMED, LONELY AND LOST, an incredibly powerful piece from Kimberley Dean. It charts Kimberley’s journey though early motherhood, focusing in on key moments where she’s felt each of the emotions from the title. Its honesty and self-awareness is so moving, and her closing paragraph – her closing line – goes to the very heart of what Mothership is all about.
Kimberley says, ‘Becoming a mum had a real effect on my mental health, how I felt about my body, my confidence and my self esteem and I wanted to focus on this in my piece. There were a few key experiences that had stuck with me and I wanted to write about them as honestly and viscerally as I could. I found it really hard to write as it felt so raw and because I didn't have any confidence in my own writing. I found the time when Ralph napped to just write and the piece slowly came together. Although I still find it painful for read, it is by far one of the best things I did on my maternity leave and has helped me get my confidence back!’
We’re proud to share Kimberley’s piece here, and hope that in reading it other mums will feel less alone in their feelings.
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Anxious, Overwhelmed, Lonely and Lost
Kimberley Dean
Anxious, overwhelmed, lonely and lost.
Ralph is six days old and I’m standing in the kitchen, surrounded by fish and chips. I hear visitors’ voices in the living room and all I want to do is cry. The smell of salt and vinegar is all-consuming. I’m shovelling fish and chips into my mouth as fast as I can even though eating is the last thing I want to do right now. The house feels so small and full and I just want everyone to leave.
Anxious, overwhelmed, lonely and lost.
Ralph is six weeks old and I’m having lunch with my NCT group. The conversation turns to breastfeeding but I can’t join in. It never worked for us, and it was making me so unhappy I took the hard decision to stop for my own wellbeing. Rather than feeling proud that I was able to breastfeed and keep my son alive for five weeks, I see myself as a failure. I don’t feel able to share this. Ralph is starting to fuss so I use it as an excuse to leave the lunch early. It’s a sunny day, which I’m grateful for as no one can see that I’m crying behind my sunglasses as I walk home.
Anxious, overwhelmed, lonely and lost.
Ralph is six months old and I’m heading down East Street. ‘You’ve got your figure back quick!’ shouts a random stranger. I smile politely and walk on. I get home and look at myself in the mirror. All I see are droopy boobs, a saggy tummy, a double chin, stretchmarks and an extra stone of weight. This isn’t the body I used to have. A third-degree tear during labour, followed by a couple of hours in theatre and months of physio has meant I’m still not able to do any type of exercise yet. I feel like my body is no longer my own. All I want to do is put my trainers on and run, to be me again, but I can’t.
Anxious, overwhelmed, lonely and lost.
Ralph is nine months old and I’m sitting in my living room trying to write this piece. I’m finding it really hard to figure out what to say. I want it to be visceral, emotional and real but I can’t seem to find the words. I’m crying as I write and debating whether to send anything in for the anthology. I don’t feel like my experience is unique or that anyone would want to read what I have to say. I’ve lost all my confidence. Since having Ralph, this has become my new normal. No longer knowing who I am or even who I used to be.
But I get the words down anyway. Because if becoming a mum has taught me anything, it’s that I do deserve to be heard.
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Anxious, Overwhelmed, Lonely and Lost by Kimberley Dean appears in the Mothership Writers anthology Dispatches from New Motherhood. All 50 pieces from the book will be published here over the year to come, creating an online library of what it really means – right here, right now – to be a new mother.