This week our Dispatches from New Motherhood piece is THE JOURNEY by Grace Harris-Johnson, an evocative and moving and account of the author’s experience with IVF. In tender, honest prose, Grace describes the long road that led to her daughter’s birth.
Grace says ‘I wanted to write about this aspect of becoming a mother as for so long I felt like I was keeping a secret, but then once I reached motherhood, I began to meet so many women who had been through similar to me. I wanted other women to feel that no matter their difficulties they are not alone and there is always someone, somewhere who has felt and been through something similar.’
Of her process, Grace says ‘writing allowed me to consolidate my feelings and experiences allowing me to reflect and feel proud about what I had to endure, and proud of the wonderful 2.5 year old I was able to produce despite all my difficulties.’
Through THE JOURNEY, Grace’s hope, belief and resilience shines through.
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The Journey
Grace Harris-Johnson
I heard you cry the moment you were born, but they carried you away to the other side of the room. Although I could not see or touch you I knew you were going to be OK as your cry never weakened. Soon you would be back by my side like you were meant to be. I knew, because it was not the first time you had been taken away.
The idea of you was conceived by the sea, a year and a day from when your dad and I made our vows to love, protect and to cherish each other. The journey began in Cambodia; we travelled through a storm eventually arriving in 'Paradise', a collection of huts on the beach, with white golden sand and sand-flies that nipped at our feet. It is a place where, when the rain stops and the sun sets, the moon rises bringing the phosphorescent plankton to life like diamonds coming in to shore. Here, I turned to your dad and said, 'Let's do it, let’s have a baby.'
The memories that follow are a haze, shrouded by heartbreak, loss and hormones. I was broken, shattered into a million pieces and laid out for all to see. IVF was our last resort: the egg collection fell on the same week, four years after we had married. It was hell. But they said they would call and they did. The eggs had fertilised, we had done our job and you were real. Another call, this time even more hopeful, the cells were dividing and looking good. Another call, I could barely breathe ... nine embryos. This was three less than we had originally started with: just three more little black holes added to my heart.
They took you away from me and kept you safe in a lab. It would be almost two months until you were with me again, however you were never alone, surrounded by your siblings that I will never meet. There was another miscarriage that led to a pause, a hiatus from when life began until life could continue. Your growth was frozen in time, until my body, my mind and my heart were ready to continue – this time with you. I often wonder what life was like for you then, whether the strength and wisdom I see in your eyes is a consequence of all you experienced before you were born. I believe that your spirit continued to grow, that those little ones who came before you helped to give you strength. Your great-grandmother and grandma were guiding you; until it was time for us to be back together.
From that day on, the holes in my heart began to close and my life began to make sense all over again. I had proof that the world really is full of magic and you, my little one – as your small palm clasps mine, as you ask for a cuddle, and giggle as you are tickled – are a perfect example of that.
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The Journey by Grace Harris-Johnson appears in the Mothership Writers anthology Dispatches from New Motherhood. All 50 pieces from the book will be published here over the year to come, creating an online library of what it really means – right here, right now – to be a new mother.