This week’s Dispatches from New Motherhood piece is a wonderfully vibrant account of a new mum doing something she loves for herself, and revelling in the moment. In MAMA SHOWGIRL Nina Ockendon-Powell vividly writes of returning to the stage, swapping her nursing bra for sequins, and feeling the power in the moment and an even greater affirmation of her motherhood.
Nina says, ‘Writing this piece I was thinking about what I wanted my little one(s) to take away from it and those distilled into two elements: the person, the woman that I am beyond being their mother, and the intensity of my love for them. It's easy to lose yourself as a woman, as your own individual, when you become a mother so it was important to not just remind myself but also remind my children so that they incorporate that into their perception of me.
Nina speaks, too, of love, describing it as ‘the biggest stepchange of my experience in becoming a mother, suddenly being capable of loving another person more than I've ever been able to love before. There's also a hint in there of the mystical nature of motherhood that I've experienced, the subtle connection to my babies that goes beyond my instincts and deepens still the appreciation of bond between mother and child.’
Enjoy Nina’s joyful piece here.
***
Mama Showgirl
Nina Ockendon-Powell
The glitter is all I could look at; I’ve missed it so much. It dazzles me; it’s all I can see. I have stretched, trained, practised. I am ready, SO ready for this. To get back on that stage again. To be completely, unashamedly ‘Nina’ for a short time. You see, my darling, I am your mother, your Mama, and I am even more than that. I set out my costume, unravelling the long strings of my sequinned cage bra and untangling my dance tights, beaded thong and gloves. ‘This ain’t no nursing bra,’ I smirk to myself with the temporary delight of one who, briefly, has escaped. Pulling up my tights, I wonder if anyone’ll notice the calluses on my knees from the endless nappy changes on the floor. Let’s hope the fishnets work their magic.
I can’t wait to feel the music move me again, the thrill of the lights, the freedom and exhilaration of pushing myself into the limits of my body. So different to the last time I tested body and mind like this, and became two people instead of one. On goes the thong, beads tangling in my fishnets. I pick up my bra, slip my arms through the loops and tie the strings at my back. Ah, boobs. You aren’t what you used to be. Oh well. I stand back and check my reflection in the mirror. Everything is covered (as much as it’s supposed to be…), everything is in place, and it looks good! But the shape of the girl – the woman – looking back at me is not so familiar as I was expecting. More like the shape of my mother. I hear an echo down the generations, the whispers of my female ancestors who look back at me knowingly from the mirror. I hear their birth stories, I feel the inner strength that they found, just like I did, to bring you into this world.
It’s time. The music fills my ears, my body, and the rhythm pulses through me. My body weaves a spell of love, for you and for me. For what I did. For the music. For our life. Maternal love, embodied. Listen, my darling: remember that I love you. Always and forever. My love never wavers, never falters, never, ever alters. It is the constant that accompanies you throughout every moment of your life, your existence on this plane and beyond. Remember this whenever you need me, whenever you’re sad or lonely, whenever you lack confidence or courage. My love is a spell of protection, divine and unbreakable, that will ward off all foes and wrap you in warm golden threads. I carry you in my heart, wherever you are, wherever I am. Eyes bright, spirit soaring, twirling. The Goddess glitters with a full and open heart.
***
Mama Showgirl by Nina Ockendon-Powell appears in the Mothership Writers anthology Dispatches from New Motherhood. All 50 pieces from the book will be published here over the year to come, creating an online library of what it really means – right here, right now – to be a new mother.